How to sit down in a restaurant
1) Request a table.
2) Receive a booth.
3) Try to slide your enormous bulk into booth.
4) Note with alarm it's the sort of booth where table is bolted down.
5) Lift belly as high as it will go.
6) Inch your way into booth.
7) Release belly, which lands on table with a plop.
8) Rummage beneath belly for silverware and napkin.
9) Place silverware and napkin on belly, and ask waiter to just put your food there too.
How to put on a seat belt
1) Reach blindly beneath your gut, hoping to locate both ends of seat belt.
2) Find one end.
3) Use elbow to push poor, unsuspecting fetus to one side while you find other end.
4) Exhale fully and attempt to close belt.
5) No dice.
6) Let out belt until long enough to fit an elephant seal.
7) Close and tighten belt.
8) To avoid repeating, spend day in car.
How to avoid unhealthy snacks
1) Retrieve chocolate cake from fridge.
2) Close fridge door while reaching behind you to put cake on kitchen counter.
3) Lose balance and flail about like cartoon penguin.
4) Drop cake.
5) Scrape cake from floor, intending to eat it anyway.
6) Notice frosting is now embroidered with dust bunnies.
7) Sigh and throw cake away.
How to use a public bathroom
1) Attempt to cram self into stall.
2) Repeatedly get stuck between door and toilet.
3) Exit stall.
4) See that handicapped stall is free.
5) Glance around furtively.
6) Conclude that being in third trimester counts as handicap.
7) Dash into handicapped stall.
8) Do your business.
9) Discover toilet-paper dispenser is empty.
10) Shout for help.
11) Blush as person in wheelchair hands you TP under door.
How to tie your shoes
1) Sit on a firm, comfortable surface, right shoe in hand.
2) Raise right foot and place on left thigh.
3) Realize this is impossible.
4) Attempt with left shoe and left foot (also impossible).
5) Decide to do this standing up.
6) Bend toward floor.
7) Observe you have no idea where your feet are.
8) Wonder if a hand mirror might help.
9) It doesn't.
10) Phone neighbor to come over and tie your shoes.
Melissa Balmain is a mother in Blacksburg, Virginia.
Parenting.com, March 2006
oh, and speaking of shooting, d and I went down to the beach on the 3rd with our pastor's wife and some of her kids & grandkids, and d experimented a little with the "fireworks" setting on our camera. Apparently it's harder than it looks since the shutter stays open for a realllly long time. By the end of the night my head became a makeshift tripod, but I'm not sure it helped much since the kid was suffering from hiccups at the time.
and you guys said a bike wasn't practical. This way, at least the boy and I can get around if the car goes south again.
God, brilliant Lord, Yours is a household name.Right after those words are the famous ones that question who we are that God should think of us and put us in charge of the world, but I didn't even get to those, because I was so caught up with the image of my son singing songs about God so loud that Satan can't even be heard. I want that! The kingdom of Heaven belongs to little kids, and it's because they are innocent enough to sing God's praise and do His will without fear or hesitation. And why do children sing to God? Because that is what they know how to do best what they enjoy doing best, unless and until they are taught to do and enjoy other pastimes. What a burden that places on me as a mother, then, to continue teaching them that God's way is the best pastime. It's my job to teach them the songs to sing, it's my job to teach them to sing loud and proud and to drown out every voice that is antagonistic to God's own. How on earth am I supposed to live up to that expectation? How am I going to prepare myself for that responsibility? By singing my own heart out, by coming to God every single day willing to listen and obey, by making His a "household name." If I do that, then my son WILL drown out Satan, and God's name WILL "echo around the world."
Nursing infants gurgle choruses about You;
Toddlers shout the songs that drown out enemy talk
And silence athiest babble.
Here's what I want you to do: find a quiet, secluded place so you won't be tempted to role play before God. Just be there as simply and honestly as you can manage. The focus will shift from you to God, and you will begin to sense His grace.
The world is full of so-called prayer warriors who are prayer- ignorant. They're full of formulas and programs and advice, peddling techniques for getting what you want from God. Don't fall for that nonsense. This is your Father you are dealing with, and He knows better than you what you need. With a God like this loving you, you can pray very simply. Like this:
Our Father in heaven, reveal who You are.
Set the world right;
Do what's best--as above, so below.
Keep us alive with three square meals.
Keep us forgiven with You and forgiving others.
Keep us safe from ourselves and the Devil.
You're in charge!
You can do anything You want!
You're ablaze in beauty!
Yes. Yes. Yes."
I want my focus to be on God, and I don't want to be "prayer-ignorant." I talk to God conversationally whenever I unconsciously think of it (which coorelates directly to how much time I've been consciously giving Him), and yet my prayers are usually a lot more complicated and self-serving than the one Matthew holds as an example. "God, help me, help those I love, and oh yeah, You're pretty cool and You've blessed me a lot. But please, I want more" might be a quick summary of the comments I most often direct toward God. And not that there's anything specifically wrong with saying those things. But I know that what I should be saying more often is, "God, you're Awesome. Help me to sing Your songs. You're in charge. Teach me more about You. Set the world straight."
